Consider This: How Can I Survive?
By Jeanne Moren, Volunteer Survivors of Suicide Support Group Facilitator
As I meet new survivors soon after their losses or those who attend a Support Group meeting for the first time, there is a universal question that is asked. "How can I survive?" or "How did you survive?” The universal answer is an unspoken one as the very presence of those of us who have lived beyond a suicide loss demonstrates our survival. The question, however, seeks a more personal response of encouragement to someone who may be unable to see how "they" can survive within their particular circumstance.
We know that adults learn through their experiences or the experiences of others. This offers an opportunity to share some of what survivors, over time, have concluded:
We survive because we have to.
There are others who depend on us.
We have additional assignments in life. Our life is not over even though it may feel fractured and unhinged.
Life goes on and we do want to live despite our immediate despair.
We did not make the decision for the deceased. We can and must make decisions for ourselves.
We survive because we can.
We are able, often with help, to find those who can support us.
We work to find resources and connections that guide us through the worst of times.
There are strengths within us that are yet to be discovered, often to our own surprise.
We survive because we learn to live "different."
We adjust to living with a new "normal."
We conclude that we must integrate our past into facing and shaping the future.
New experiences continue to create our life's story.
There can be an acceptance of joy and meaning as we heal and go forward.
Although each loss is unique, there is wisdom that can be passed on from survivor to survivor. I am thankful for those who demonstrated survival to me and thankful for those who continue to share their experiences and encourage others who are new to loss. The answers are not easy and hard work is required. Over and over again survivors demonstrate that they are up to the task and that they are willing guides for others.
Surviving Mistakes
How easy it becomes after a suicide to look back and list our mistakes. The focus can be one of self-blame. Careful reflection and inspection of each and every interaction that we had with the deceased may seem necessary in order to evaluate the part that we played in their decision. No matter how close or distant our relationship was, a suicide brings us to spending some time with these thoughts. For some of us the thoughts may be brief. We come to some comfortable conclusion of quickly placing blame and responsibility on something or someone else. For others it may become a long process or possibly even a way of life. For most of us, hopefully, it is a review that can be looked at and used for our growth beyond our loss.
If I keep a detailed list of my mistakes, it could include minutes, hours, days, months even years before the moment I discovered my husband’s body. It could continue on to minutes, hours, days, months and years after his death. What is it about a suicide death that leads us or even tempts us to go through such an exercise? Why must we review our mistakes? Why must we take such responsibility? Why can’t we focus on the positive? It’s puzzling. It’s one of those things that make a suicide death “different”.
As I look back, many years later, there are some mistakes that make me laugh. There are some that horrify me. There are many that fall in between. What the mistakes have in common is that I have survived them.
I know if this death would have been from any other cause, I would not have been so hard on myself. I would have been able to rationalize many of the aspects of the death and the loss. It would have felt much more “normal”. Those of us who have experienced other death losses are convinced that this is “different”.
It takes energy to focus on mistakes, energy that we need for other tasks. It is self-defeating to think only of what we could have or should have done. We write our own endings to these thoughts and often cast ourselves as the villain or the victim.
The fact is that there would be mistakes in our lives with or without the suicide. It is also true that we all constantly do things that can be classified as successes. Loving, caring acts also need to be recalled and celebrated. Part of “living” life after a suicide loss involves stepping back from listing our mistakes. We don’t get reverse gear but we are allowed to go forward. We can survive our mistakes; we can survive the loss. I have seen it demonstrated again and again.
Among many resources for those who have had a suicide death loss is the Survivors of Suicide Support Group hosted by Journey Mental Health Center. Additional information can be found here: http://journeymhc.org/community-based-services/#sos-support.
Jeanne Moren (Adams) is a Volunteer Facilitator for the Survivors of Suicide Support Group sponsored by Journey Mental Health, Madison, WI. She has been involved with Loss Survivors for over 30 years after the deaths of her husband and brother-in-law by suicide. She has reached out to interact with survivors over the years through speaking, writing, and assisting in producing a quarterly newsletter for Survivors and those who care for them.