A Mom's Journey Through Grief and Hope
By Conni Bigler
LACK OF INFORMATION AND STIGMA
It’s been over 13 years since the death by “suicide” of my son, Trevor. I have wanted so desperately to pinpoint the exact time this beautiful child with white blonde hair and blue eyes lost himself and didn’t call out for help. Or did he and I didn’t recognize it? Did I hear the call and fail to acknowledge it?
Growing up, he struggled in middle school, often neglecting assignments and falling behind. The teenage years were a mix of petty crimes and family struggles with his father and I divorcing when he was 10. He never really fit in with his class of peers, but was extremely comfortable and loved by those a couple of years younger than himself. His cousin by birth but brother in every other way, Eric, was a huge part of his life, often giving him a little more stability. But there were still the times of “Trevor Being Trevor” and his refusal to attend family functions. Looking back I think I can see that the muddled answer is somewhere in the mix of adolescent behavior, stigma and lack of education on mental illnesses.
After experiencing anger issues along with depression, he received a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder I at the age of 18 and was placed on Prozac along with a therapy routine. The Prozac seemed to help and he was able to keep on his medication since he was working a full time job with insurance coverage. For the most part, during the next five or six years, he held on to his job and went through a relatively stable period. But eventually the medication gave way to side effects and the side effects gave way to alcohol and drug abuse and somewhere along the line the magic cure I thought he had found was no longer in effect. There were bouts with mania and then depression, job loss and loss of insurance. While euphoric, he went on spending sprees, rented an expensive apartment and took a trip to Brazil. Trevor kept “the voices” a secret and I was still relatively ignorant of how much this brain disease had taken from him, because I still didn’t understand the disease and blamed it on the substance abuse, although most of the time they go hand in hand. So much he kept to himself because of the stigma relating to a mental illness and so much I did not understand as his mother due to lack of education on mental illness.
NATIONAL ALLIANCE ON MENTAL ILLNESS
In the late summer of 2007, Eric’s wife Teresa, a licensed nurse, suggested I contact NAMI. Trevor needed help and guidance. He had lost another job, was living with friends and had borrowed money from one of them and flown to Belize. We needed to get him back and in treatment. I wasn’t even sure if he would return, but he did. It was early October and the weather was beautiful. I was angry and he was as well. Our brief conversations were not going well. I needed just as much help, if not more, as Trevor spiraled back into remorse and depression. He stayed with his grandmother who had been a huge part of his life growing up. He wandered the streets of New Glarus during the next couple of days remembering the houses and the people that used to live in them. My daughter and grandson, Evan, were due in from South Carolina to celebrate Evan’s 5th birthday in a couple days and I wanted nothing more than to concentrate on “ being happy” . Although Trevor dearly loved Evan, he kept to himself for the most part and refused to attend his birthday party on the 7th. The next day he came by after I returned home from work and reassured me with smiles and laughter and lots of hugs that he still had a part-time job and he was heading back to Madison that evening to live with friends until he got on his feet again. I watched him through the window as he crossed the street and waved to my husband. Within hours he was texting his friends and telling them goodbye.
He left a spiral notebook with notes he had jotted down during that last few days as he sat in the warmth of the sun at the state park. There were feelings and fears, along with anger and regret about his life and all the people he had hurt. He felt totally to blame for everything he had experienced. He had been homeless, living in his car and no one knew. He had rented a storage locker and it served as a closet for his remaining belongings. He had showered at the Princeton Club where he still secured a membership. But when he no longer could afford payments on the vehicle, he borrowed money and made that final trip to create the last of his memories and then returned home to prepare to end his life. The little book held secrets that I never knew and extreme heartache.
In November of 2007, my husband and I were able to meet with Frank and Carol Mixdorf of NAMI Green County. Although we had failed to find the time or resources to save Trevor, we found an organization that would help me heal by being proactive . Trevor’s memorial funds were given to NAMI Green County, WI and a few months later the Monroe Public Library displayed the books that were purchased. The goal was to help the general public along with consumers and their families by offering more materials educating them about mental illness and the stigma involved with brain disorders.
FINDING A WAY
Grief is different for all. Nonetheless, it is a journey that you will be on for the rest of your life. Loss of a child, even at the age of 29, can physically impair and mentally defeat you. As I stated earlier, we were too late for Trevor and I have many regrets in not understanding how overwhelming a mental health disorder can be or how to recognize the signs in a child and to seek help with early intervention.
In December of 2007, I sent in my membership to NAMI and in January of 2009, I joined the NAMI Green County Board of Directors and still serve today as Secretary/Treasurer along with being our NAMI GC Facebook editor. In the fall of 2009, “Trevor’s Team” was formed and the team joined NAMI Dane County in their annual NAMIWalk at Olin Park in Madison, WI. The first year the team received $3215 in donations. Last year, the first virtual walk, due to the Covid-19 pandemic, the team secured $14,260. Dane County and Green County form annual agreements on how they will share the revenue.
Since 2009, this team and its supporters, donors and walkers, have continued annually to support the Dane County NAMIWalk and have raised almost $85,000. The funds are used to support, educate and advocate for those with a mental health disorder and to help bring awareness in removing the stigma involved.
In short, we should all, especially as parents of younger children, be willing to educate ourselves and to be aware of the early symptoms of a mental health disorder. This year has been exceptionally challenging for those with anxiety and/or depression illnesses and suicides among teenagers have been rising.
Being a part of NAMI and seeing my son’s name in print as we move through the walk season has not only helped me move through my grief, but most of all, it has given me a better understanding of brain disorders. Securing donations through NAMI walks assures me that someone in need, like Trevor, will be given the opportunity and information to secure understanding that a mental illness is a disease like any other disease and nothing to fear or be ashamed of.